The waltz of the lost dreams
by oneiroitane
Summary: summary: the story is inspired by the Greek melody calls The waltz of the lost dreams( Το βαλς των χαμένων ονείρων /watch?v 5q9H2cd36RU ) by Mano Xatzidakis. Takes place 3 months after 6x08 and it is Jane's thoughts and memories about Lisbon on the island.


I'm sitting and looking at the beautiful peaceful ocean in front of me. It has been 3 months since I left California and my old life. I thought I could make a new beginning after Red John far from everything. I acted like a coward leaving with a message on Lisbon's phone. I wanted to see her for a last time but she was surrounded by the stupid FBI agents. I hope I didn't make her life so hard and she could find a new way to start a new life. She maybe find a new job or a person to share her life. A way to be happy. I know I hurt her so many times and acted like I didn't care but her happiness is the most important thing to me. Her words in our first case together are still in my mind. The team and us in the car to the way to a crime scene. I was so stupid, still so arrogant and selfish.

" Would you drop me at the airport, please?"

"You're leaving."

"Well, I have to get my shoes x-rayed anyway, so I figured I'd get on a plane."

"And off you go on your merry way. These lives lost here mean nothing to you."

"Not nothing. ... I'm confused, you don't want me here, and it's not Red John, so I'm gone. What's your problem?"

"We don't know that it's not Red John, and what I want is not the point. ... Oh, wait a minute. I get it. You're just trying to get me to ask you to stay."

"Why would you think that?! [to Cho:] Why would she think that?!"

"Because A: you've got nowhere to go, and B: you're an egomaniac. You think it's impossible that I really and truly do not want to work with you. You think that deep down inside I've got a grudging respect for your genius. The truth is, deep down, I'm scared of you. You've got no boundaries, you've got no common sense. You're filled with all of this... this stuff that you refuse to acknowledge. And one day you're gonna create one mother of a tragedy for yourself and everybody around you. I don't wanna be there when it happens. So we'll drive you to the airport, it's fine. ... Take a left on Bob Hope."

If she knew back then all the things I made to her ,she would have kicked me out of the team and her life in a heartbeat. But instead she gathered me and made me part of her team. And that was something big because her job, her team was her life and family.

The first time she saved me (some months later in the case when we met McAllister for first time) from coming out of nowhere and hit the guy and in that hotel room from the crazy couple I realized how good she was in her job and as a person. She felt guilty because she killed those people even if she has to do it to save me and that poor red woman's life. I knew she could be a person who I could rely on and trust. I never thanks her for it.

Then she became a close person for me. The friend I didn't have. I liked to make her smile or blushing or when I played mind ticks with her. They were the best parts of my daily life.

" Are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Feeling awake, mentally alert?"

"Yes."

"Fantastic. Okay. I want you to imagine a screen between you and I. On that screen I want you to project a basic shape. Like a square, but not a square. Got it?"

"Okay."

"Lock it in. Now I want you to project another shape...and put that shape around the shape you already have."

"Okay."

"Excellent. Here's the fun part. Now concentrate and project that onto the back of my mind. Look right here. Open up your mind...and send it to me. Okay, now I'm starting to feel it. It's a triangle inside a circle."

"No."

"It's not?"

"No. I was thinking of an octagon inside a rectangle."

" Liar."

"All right. All right, you got me."

"How did you do that?"

"Oh, that's nothing. That's just the calibration key to real mind reading. Now I have access to all your innermost thoughts."

" Yeah, right."

" I'm serious."

"Okay. So, what am I thinking right now?"

"You're thinking:' I am so glad Jane is joking around and he can't actually read my mind.' "

"No. Well, actually, yes, but not for the reason you think."

"What reason do I think?"

" Never you mind."

"You're blushing."

That memory makes me smile every time. Those small times I actually made her truly laugh was like a necessary need for me. She always tried to keep me in line and sometimes she succeed it and made me opened up completely to her. Like the time I confessed my breakdown after Angela's and Charlotte's murder. I was so deeply shamed of it and she was so good and gentle with me. She didn't pity me but understood me and she didn't make questions knowing how difficult was it for me. None in my all life was so supported like her. She never looked at me as a victim but like everyone else in her team.

The case with Red John's friend Jared Renfrew was the first time we came closer as friends. She risked her job, went behind Minelli's back and actually stood at my side and helped me. She tried to be the voice of logic and keep me focused and concentrated. At the hotel room where we found him dead she stood calm and with a small smile told me "next time". Those words really touched me. There were the hope I needed that moment and she gave it so simple.

She was there for me from the beginning. When I lost my vision she was right next to me in my bed in hospital. She cared about my recovery and stood at my side.

" How many times do I have to tell you to stop interrupting interviews like that?"

"I'm sorry. Just a minute."

"What are you doing?"

"How will I know if I can see or not if I have bandages on? Here goes."

"Well?"

" Black as night."

" I'm sorry."

"Never mind. Andrews didn't do it."

"Did you sense that with your superpowers?"

"Yes, I did. He's filled with anger, but, not fearful, guilty, murderous anger. That has a tang of ammonia about it. His is a more clean, righteous anger. Lemon-y."

"Lemon-y?"

"This blind thing really works. Without my vision, I can tune into my other senses much more clearly."

"That's great. Let me go make you a superhero costume. What do you wanna be called? What are you doing?"

"I wanna know what your face feels like when you're smiling."

I took the chance to touch her face and touch her more. Her little joke about superhero's costume made me laugh. Of course Rigsby chose that moment to come. God that man has the worst timing. The moment I found my vision again and saw her I couldn't resist to mock her.

"Oh, you have no notion how good it is to see your face, Rigsby."

"Rigsby? You're funny.". Her laugh so sweet, so innocent warmed my heart every time.

She started to be necessary for me. I liked to be around her, to speak to her. It was pleasant and made me feel alive. Her trust, her friendship became significant to me.

"What does that mean?"

"Like you don't know you have major trust issues. I trust people. I trust you."

"No, you don't. I don't trust you either."

"That's upsetting to hear that. And really, you don't trust me?"

"Of course not. How many times have you lied to me, misled me, tricked me? Is that trust? No."

"Well, we have to remedy this. Let's do a trust fall."

"A trust fall?"

Yeah. I'm sure you did one on your CBI retreat. It's when you turn around and fall backward and I catch you."

" Oh, yes, we did do that. Mm-hmm. - No."

" You won't?"

" We have a long drive still."

"Ah. Here we have two co-workers recognizing the boundaries of their professional relationship. See, you want to trust me, but there's something holding you back."

" Yes. You're untrustworthy. It's my job not to trust you."

"Lisbon, I want you to know that you can trust me. No matter what happens, I will be there for you. I will. I need you to know that. Now can I catch you?"

"Come on."

"Please?"

"Fine."

"Come on. See, you can trust me."

"Oh, wow. That worked. Suddenly, I trust you."

" Uh-huh." "I allow you to drive me around this country in this contraption. That's serious trust."

I think the moment she truly trust me was when I killed Hardy to save her. Nothing was more important from her life, not even Red John.

After my gift to her, the little pony, there were rumors about us been in a romantic relationship. Back then I never thought her as something more than friend-partner that time but I always knew she is a beautiful-gorgeous woman. Inside out. That pony worth every pound only for her expression the moment she saw it. I still wonder what happen to it.

After Hardy's case, Minelli gave Red John's case to Bosco. I felt betrayed and I wanted to leave. But the looks of disapproval from all the team and Lisbon's hard words hit me strong and hard. I felt like I have lost my family again. Going back to my old life was not a choice. I couldn't do it again. I finally felt I did something worth in my life. Helping people, solving injustice, something that my family would be proud of me. I stayed and found another way to be in Red john's case. It wasn't easy to mess up with Bosco. He was very protective of Lisbon and he showed his unlike for me. Sending me prison was his chance to make me go away from her. When she came to see me in prison she tried to look a little angry to make me realize the situation and I mocked her about Bosco's feelings for her. In the end she saved the day by threatened Bosco to let me free. I was so touch that she would risk her career over me. It meant a lot for me. I can confess now I felt a little jealous about that man. I knew Lisbon never saw him romantically but the seemed close with a strange way. At the hospital his last words to me were to keep her safe and far for Red John. He told me that she has feelings for me and she hadn't realized it. I promised to do my hard to keep her save and make her happy. I made the first one but not so sure about the second. I hurt her so many times emotionally and I am discussed with myself. Like my father used to say "we always hurt the ones we shouldn't hurt at all."

After Bosco's death she became sad. I tried to cheer her up with many ways like the tiara in the fun dresser or with our dance in the high school reunion. She was the first woman I danced after my woman and the one I didn't regret for coming closer. The lie in the biosystems factory about us dying was a little cruel but I did it to make her feel alive to surpass Bosco's death. I admired her about how she huddled the situation and stayed calm.

"I feared that you'd become tearful and incoherent, but no. Succinct. Noble. Bravo."

"Uh-huh. Don't you have anybody you wanna call besides Cho and Rigsby?"

"No .And if we were dying, I'd wanna call you, But... You're already here. So there's no need."

"Me?"

"hmm" "Oh... What would you say? Uh... Wait...wait a minute. If I was dying?"

"Yeah, you're not really dying. I wrote a label and put it on an empty flask, And then I convinced poor Lilith Nash to run away. I feel kind of bad about it."

"you son of a bitch."

"But just-just wait. Just please. "

"You're sick. would you do this to me?"

"Two reasons-firstly, to catch the killer of Alicia Seberg, the killer who is not poor Lilith Nash. The killer who, you may recall, took a dose of the antidote in order to survive exposure to the virus. Yes?"

"Yes..."

"The killer who believes that he or she Is the only one that isn't going to die. Yes?"

"Yes."

"So they have to get out of here before we die, or else they'll be burnt to a crisp by the Air Force. Their hands are tied. They have to try to escape, Thus revealing themselves to us with precision and clarity Of a mathematical equation."

"And reason number two?"

"The second and most important reason is doesn't it feel great to get your life back? Don't you feel good right now? Don't you feel happy to be alive?"

"No."

"Oh, I know you do. You know you do."

"If reason number one does not pan out very, very soon, I think I'm gonna punch you in the nose."

I totally deserved that punch, it wasn't the first time but for some reason I felt good to be able to help her in the end. Even with this way.

Bosco's death didn't only effect Lisbon but Minelli too. He quitted his job and went to retirement. Hightower came to CBI. She was a good director and very good at her job. I'm sure now with Red John out of the picture she return back to her life and stopped hiding. She was hard at the beginning with Lisbon. She saw our connection and tried to use it to keep me in line. I almost cost Lisbon's job and life in my recklessness.

H"I thought you two trusted each other."

L" So did I."

J" We do. I-we have trust. I-I didn't tell her because I didn't want her to be complicit and then have to lie about it later."

H" Some partnership you got going on here. I'll have to send you home while the professional standards unit Does its thing five days at least."

J" It's not her fault."

H" That will be the p.s.u.'s determination, no doubt. This is just the situation we talked about, Patrick. Agent Lisbon is responsible for the actions of her team members Including you."

L" Yes, ma'am. Is that all?"

H" Yes."

J" Look, Lisbon, I'm so sorry. I really am."

I tried to take her job back and we ended in a container in the middle of the desert. She was scared and I tried to calm her. She joined the parts and understood the reason I did it. She looked at me and for a few moments she could see inside of my walls. I felt lost and quickly I avoid her eyes and laugh and told her that I'll always save her either she liked that or not. I meant what I said and I always putted her above everything. She meant- means too much to me. I would never have come alive from this story without her. I annoyed later Hightower telling her that when she is unhappy, I'm less happy. Then was the time when Kristina Frye worked with us in a case. Hightower encouraged me to ask her on date. The dinner was good, we laughed but something hold me to make the next step. I was not ready. Especially with the return of Red John. We were so same in some departments and she made the same mistake I did. I tried to protect her but Red John took her. Her punishment was worse than death.

After what happened to Kristina I tried to pull away from Lisbon and the team. She tricked me to work in a case using a little child. I was a little mad with her but she could have not done it differently. We have a small fight at the end. We were like an old married couple.

"I lied this one time, because I'm concerned. You're isolating yourself. You're pulling away from us, from me and the unit."

"Meh"

"You are."

"No."

"You are. It's not good. Wh-what's going on?"

"Anybody that gets close to me bad things happen to them."

"A, that's not true, and B, even if it were, I'm a cop. It's our job to be in harm's way."

"You're not listening to me."

"We're family. What you're doing is a kind of betrayal."

"Oh"

"A surrender. A defeat. You're letting Red John win."

"Oh, please. Please. Really?"

"Okay. Enough. All right. No-no more pulling away. All right? Here, give me a hug."

"You don't mean it. I can tell."

"What do you mean, you can tell? You can't tell. I don't mean it, but you can't tell that I don't. You're guessing."

"Yes, I can tell."

"How?"

"I don't know. I can tell when you're lying now."

"No, you can't tell."

"I-I can, too."

"That's nonsense. You're lying. Liar, liar, pants on fire."

"I'm not lying."

"You are."

The return of Mashburn a few months later was like a slap to me. I threw Lisbon in his arms. She was so alone and I thought some romantic companionship would have been good for her. Give her more confidence. But the moment I realized she was in his hotel room, I felt for a first time in my life a wave of jealously and I wanted to make her leave. I couldn't understand my feelings back then.

The time Rachel kidnapped me and tried to kill me and Lisbon was a critical moment for me. I couldn't let her die. Not because of me and not with that way. Fortunately Rachel was clearly out of her mind and believed my trick. Hightower found us in time to save us. I can't bear the thought of Lisbon's death ,especially with me there knowing I could have not saved her. I truly wanted revenge, I had to be hard. I had to be dishonest and devious and cold. I couldn't have let people see what's in my heart. I have already putted her in great danger. I couldn't risk her. I told her once "I don't want to put you in danger" and she told me that I'm an idiot. She was right in more than one way.

The DVD I made with Erica I described my perfect woman, I wasn't speaking about my wife. "Uh, I'm looking for someone who, uh...Someone... I can trust, someone strong, someone...At peace with themselves, someone better than me, someone who knows the...worst side of me and still loves me. She only knew and saw my good part. The other half I kept it away from home to my clients. I want to think I was a good husband for her and a good father to Charlotte or at least that I did everything I could.

But I still can't believe that I didn't read O'Laughlin .He almost killed Lisbon and hurt deeply Van Pelt. Red John send a spy inside us and I haven't realized it. I was so focused on my vengeance and I didn't see it. When I heard the shot over the phone, I breathed so fast and my heart beat hard. Once again I put her in danger. I paralyzed in my place until she found the strength to take the phone and talked to me. I could breathe again.

God How I missed her. Her emerald eyes, her smile, her little face expressions. Now I sit here alone, cold and miserable. I never believe losing her would be so devastating. I feel lost. My only joy is the letters I write to her and my tea. I don't have anybody to speak to share my life. I don't know what I expected after Red John. It seems like a long past but it was only 3 months later.

That woman never stops. She is so stubborn and If she can't do anything for more than 1 hour, it drives her crazy. She was shot by O'Laughlin and she left the hospital to visit me in prison. I was so happy to see her. She looked at me with concert in her eyes and I knew I was forgiven. She collected the team risking their jobs and helped me get out of prison. She was clearly in pain but never gave up to me always worried about my sanity and my soul. In court, She was sitting back watching trying to hide her sadness. After my release, she was waiting for me outside. She gave me a big smile and a nod. Sometimes we didn't need words to communicate but only a look. Sometimes silence was enough.

Messing with Haffner was hilarious. I couldn't work with someone else except Lisbon. I was the fault she was losing her job and I couldn't face it. Her out of CBI, not being my partner was not a question. I had to do something for her and the rest of the team. I owned them that.

All of them were in my side when I need them. When I almost drowned and lost my memories, they were so impatiently with me. I had forgotten my family and I had return to my old arrogant myself. I don't remember everything ,some of them are blur. Cho's words were like a shot in my heart.

"What's your play here?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"What are you trying to do?"

"Well, bring a ray of hope to a family, I suppose. And help my friends solve a crime."

"I don't buy it. You don't help us because you like us."

"I don't like you?"

"Well, you don't not like us. But you have deeper reasons for helping people. Without those reasons, you're a hustler."

Cho always was the iceman. I do like them. All of them from the beginning. I just hate myself not be able to retaliate their friendship. Lisbon was another issue. She saw even then inside of me and brought me back. She was willing to let me free, to let me be happy. I know I hurt her seeing me hit on Van Pelt or bringing a woman in my side in the office but she stayed calm. She seemed sad about me leaving but when she understood I took the money the game change. She saw I was running away. Thanks to her I remember again. If I have left , I would feel horrible and guilty when I would remember again. I would never forgive myself and I'm sure I would never be back in the team. When I remember I felt like a déjà vu. Me, standing at the same spot looking at the red smile. All the memories came back and hit me hard. My eyes filled with tears. Lisbon was looking at me with sadness and scared because of her actions. I just stood there and let my tears to fall. She didn't say anything. She came to my side and hold my hands.

Brett Stales had asked her if she enjoyed to watching me take over her team and her life. She told him the same answer she told to everybody that we closed cases and it was enough. Lisbon. She is a terrible liar and I always like it. The world is full of liars but she in an oasis in it. A brave little soldier. Always prepared and willing to save the world. To bring justice.

Working with agent Darcy or Erica irked her for obvious reasons. She was jealous with both of them for different reasons. With agent Darcy was a friend-partner thing unlike Erica. I didn't help to make her feel better. The "I need her" made the things worse. I needed her for the case and not in some personal level. I let her go under my skin. I let her being the first woman I kissed after my wife. I saw the hurt in Lisbon's eyes but I couldn't help. Erica was safe. Lisbon was too dangerous and I would have made a bigger target in her back. Erica is an attractive woman and she made the men come around her. But Teresa is the one who received devotion from them. Not only as a friend but as a woman too. Rigsby and Cho would kill for her. I saw how the men looked at her. Sometimes I had to dismiss them. I know it was not my business but I couldn't face the thought of a different man with her. How could she not notice how beautiful and rare woman is? Her ex-fiancé Greg was still devastated of losing her. He loved her too much. She is nothing like Erica. She is much better in so many departments. She has something special that Erica was in lack. A heart. She is the most kindness person I have ever met. She sees the good side of people and gives second chances. Like Archie Bloom and Trina. She didn't report them. She gave them the chance of a new life. It was a beautiful thing.

She tried to help me in my fake breakdown. She ran to the elevator to stop me. She looked so concerned and I looked her for the last time. Going away was the most difficult thing I made. I hated myself I didn't tell her the truth but I couldn't risk it. It was my last chance to find Red John and it worked. Not like I wanted but I catch him in the end. The return to my old life, Lorelei was painful for me. After I slept with her ,I was disgusted and dirty. I would have done everything to catch him. Everything beside killing Lisbon. I was a murderer, I would have killed someone to prove my change to him but not her. Never her. When I saw her after six months in that church, it was the lighter thing in my life. I couldn't take my eyes of her for a few seconds. I wanted to hug her, to melt in her arms. She accepted to help me, even after all these months of anger. I made her fake her death and Rigsby's. I didn't plan to tell her "I love you". It let my mouth before I realized it. I saw the hurt in her eyes again when I pretend I forgot what I said. It was not the time to tell her the truth. So mess around us. Sometimes I think of the situation in the desert. How the story would have gone if FBI was not there. If Lisbon wasn't there. All was such a mess but when I hold her hand all bright around me. She gave me strength to continue. In the interrogation room with Lorelei, she looked at me strange, like she couldn't recognized me anymore.

I tried to break the ice between us. She thought I had feelings about Lorelei. I never had a romantic connection with her. I used her to make my way to Red John. Nothing else. The only feelings I had about her was pity in the end. I had to play with her, to raise her ego. I couldn't do it knowing Lisbon watching or hearing us.

"What are you thinking?"

"She's ready to crack."

"Nicola?"

"Lorelei."

"I meant, what are you thinking of the case we're working on now?"

"Well, that one's a puzzle isn't it?"

"What the hell is the motive?"

"I don't think it was the sister. I like her."

"So did you buy that bracelet for Lorelei?"

"No, just a whim. I liked it. When I talk to her, I need to be alone."

"You will be."

"I mean, with nobody watching or listening. I need to be able to tell her truthfully that we are alone."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"Just be careful. Don't get pulled into her game."

"What game is that?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Well, I'm supposed to tell you a game that you're thinking of? Okay. Uh, you're thinking of, uh, Twister? (Chuckles)"

"Go ahead. Laugh. But she's practically the first person since your wife that you've, you know..."

"Oh..."

"It wouldn't be surprising if you had feelings for her."

"She's a stepping stone to Red John. I knew that from the beginning. I don't have any feelings for her."

But she didn't listen me. The things went more tense between us. We argued and she left before I had time to make a good excuse. I had to think how to control all it and fast.

She became a little distant with me. She looked more about herself and she didn't take any prisoners with me anymore. Mancini and Kirkland started to dance around her and I didn't like them. I knew Red John had a friend inside FBI and Mancini started to show up from nowhere. He even invited Lisbon out. The way they looked at her irked me and I didn't bother to show it. I teased Lisbon about it "You didn't tell your new best friend Kirkland either". I know I had created a huge mess and I kept her out waiting to be there to help me like always. I saw her disapproval eyes, she hated herself for not be able to leave.

Her hunt about Volker was the one thing that kept her in her feet. The other was to keep her team safe. LaRoche once told her "Your instincts toward your team is admirable. But it is also your biggest flaw." My only joy was her. Trick her, play poker with her. The scenery in her office was really blow up my mind.

"This is so annoying. I can't find my keys."

"Mm. Did you check your desk?"

"Of course I-" She opened her desk and hit the box with a hammer

"Hmm."

"Oh. Here they are. Silly me."

"You keep a hammer in your desk."

"You only think you know everything about me."

No, I didn't know everything about her. She is a mystery I was never be able to solve. And now I will never had the chance.

The case with Volker started to worried me. He was a cold-blooded killer. A truly sociopath and Lisbon provoked him and he enjoyed it. He liked to be presumptuous, to see the fear and the desperation in the eyes of other. I offered her my help. I wanted to keep a close eye to her.

"You wanna come with?"

"I've got a hit on Volker. I think I found his enforcer. He's a guy named Charles Milk. I'm waiting to get a warrant on his residence."

"Bravo."

" There's no way this guy is as smart or as careful as Volker. I can turn him."

"Excellent police work, Lisbon. I admire your pluck."

"I hear a 'but,' "

"No 'but.' I'm just a little worried that he's inside your head. and believe me, that's not a good road to go down. Bad neighborhood."

" I think you can understand, I don't really have a choice."

"Well, yeah, I can certainly understand that. I just... I-I want you to be careful."

"He may be powerful, but he is not invincible. And he's not in my head."

"I hope not. If you need my help, let me know."

"No, thanks. This one's mine."

"Yeah, you got this."

I could understand her guilt about Amanda. She promised her to protect her and failed. Helping Lisbon was the least I could do for her after all these years. I also reunited a mother with her son that was a amazing scene I watched. I am proud of her. When everyone would have let this case, she fight against all to bring justice. She is really a fascinating woman.

She gained confidence after Volker's arrest. The anniversary of 10 years at CBI came and a work proposal from Haffner. I was scared that she would take the job and leave but she never wanted it. She liked to Show off it and she was mad at me letting her out. She always had an influence in me.

"Are we partners or not?"

"Come in partner."

Trusting Lorelei proved I was wrong. She would have never told me about Red John. Once she knew the truth she wanted him for herself. She unlike me killed and tortured for her cause. She didn't has borders. I relied on her more than Lisbon and that was wrong.

It wasn't I didn't trust Lisbon. But more she knew more dangerous things became for her. She is the only person who knew me .The only I could rely on. To trust completely. "What she means ours is more of a platonic love". I couldn't admit my feelings. Red John killed every happy memory I had. Lisbon was-are in many happy memories.

My worries telling Lisbon about the list became true. Red John lured her and she almost died. The drive to the warehouse seemed endless. I lived with her death for 1 hour and it was devastated like dying . When I found a pulse, I could breathe again. Red John marked her face with his symbol making a point of how vulnerable she is. How close he is. I could have not given him more reasons to take her. To kill her.

I tried to keep her as far I could, send her for medi-pedi or a massage. When a suspect appeared I was next to her. I went to Kirkland alone. I didn't want to put her in danger. Thanks god she found me with Hightower. He was out if his mind, ready to torture me and Haibach for his purpose. I thanked Hightower but not Lisbon. I took her for granted. I expected her to be always there when I needed her, to save the day.

I hurt her so bad the last days. Running away from her, leaving her in the beach was unbearable. It was an awful and egoistic thing from my side. I saw how her eyes burnt. Her hopes danced inside her. I meant every word I said that day "You have no idea what you've meant to me. What you mean to me." All was truth. When I hugged her, I wanted to forget everything, to stop the time. I closed my eyes and was allowed to the moment.

I keep repeating to myself that all was necessary to catch him. All the hurt, all the sadness. Is it the truth or am I kidding myself? My only regret is the miss opportunities I lost. The bridges I burnt. The chaos I left behind me. Will I ever see her again? Will she forgive me? Does she take my letters? I think I will never know. My punishment is to lose her without never having her.

 **Author's note: It was difficult for me to write the part about Lorelei. I'm sorry about grammar mistakes. My English isn't very good. I try to improve them. I will finish soon the new chapter in Shadows of the past (co-written with Lupineborn please give it a shot). I'm sorry about the delay but this story was stuck in my mind for weeks.**


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